Worst Blind Date Ever

My worst blind date happened only a few weeks after moving to SLC to attend college. This girl named Tiffany whom I barely knew set me up. I should have stopped and thought for 2 seconds about the fact that if I didn’t really know Tiffany, that meant this date was really going to be a crap shoot, but being fresh off the proverbial farm, and being new to the concept of blind dates, I agreed.

*Ding Dong* he was there. I was so nervous. I had no idea what to expect. Tiffany only told me that he was really “sweet and nice and he drives a Lexus”. Well what more did I possibly need to know then? I mean heck if he drives a Lexus I couldn’t possibly go wrong. I swung open the door. Standing in front of me was a 30 + year old short man. You would have thought that I would have been taken aback more by the fact that I was 18 and he was in his 30s, but I wasn’t. I was horrified however by the fact that I was taller than he was. You have got to be kidding me I screamed in my head. How stupid are we going to look, I am like 4 inches taller than he is. This is never going to work. Plus he looks kinda old. Ugh Tiffany who I barely know is going to die I promised. I grabbed my purse, said goodbye to my roommates and went to meet Tiffany and her date, we were doubling.

So what are we doing tonight I asked when we were all together. Oh a party at a cabin in the woods? Great, sounds fun I thought. I mean I might actually meet someone else there who I did find attractive, plus it was a party and I was young, it will be fun. We set out to our destination. Little did I know that this little cabin party was about an hour drive away and that I was going to have to make small talk with3 people I didn’t have one thing in common with. Honza (my dates name FYI) was in like college when I was born for goodness sake, what could we possibly talk about. After what seemed like ages we finally made it to the woods.

We pulled up to some guy with a flash light who was directing us to a parking spot. We were going to have to be shuttled up to the cabin because of limited parking. Fine no big deal. We got out of the car and waited for the truck to come get us. Up pulled a little teeny tiny Nissan truck with one teeny tiny seat that was already half filled up by the driver. We can all fit assured the guys, no big deal you can sit on our laps. You have got to be kidding me I said to my self again for the 10th time that night. Could this date get any worse? We all piled in and still somehow managed to shut the door. What the!??!  Who’s hands are where they shouldn’t be? Oh wow it’s Tiffany’s date Ron. Nice, Ron, “dude, move your hands” I say. Oh sorry, I didn’t realize. Sure Ron, sure.

Finally the cabin is in sight. Sweet relief I keep telling myself. It has to get better, it’s a great cabin, it’s a party and again I am young and out to have fun. Oh did I forget to tell you it’s a young single adult cabin party? Yeah Tiffany you did. I was the youngest there by about 10 years. My short date ran off the whole night leaving me to fend off more old men alone. This in between getting hit on blatantly by Ron, while Tiffany was sitting right there the whole time. There was no subtlety, yet she didn’t seem to mind. It was like I was in some bizarre world and I didn’t know which way was up. Again after what seemed like an eternity the night was over and we were leaving. I have never been so happy in my life.

Now what I am going to tell you next is going to sound made up, but I assure you it is not.  I tell the truth, the whole truth…..

We drove home on 7th East, and if you know SLC you know that this is a really large busy street and even more so at 10 PM on a Friday night. We were about to Trolley Square when this black car cut us off. Well Honza is to have none of that, so he speeds up to the side of them to have a fatherly chat with these young men about how it was rude to cut us off like that. We keep driving while the insults are being hurled fast and furious. I am mortified and trying to duck and hide my head in the corner. Wishing I was anywhere but there at that time I see another car pull up to the side of us, while the first car pulls in front of us. Suddenly, yet it was like slow motion, they all stop their cars blocking us in while they all jump out of their car and surround ours.

Holy crap I scream as they are now punching my date through his open window. Ron the noble guy he is jumps out and starts fighting them in the street while Tiffany tries to get them to stop hitting Honza. Not me man I am screaming and cowering in the passenger seat. We are now right in front of Trolley Square on 7th. Honza somehow gets the car out and starts to drive in big circles around on 7th, holding up traffic on both sides as he attempts to literally run over our assailants. Let me out of this freakin car I scream over and over. Finally he listens and stops long enough for me to jump out and for me to pull Tiffany out who wanted to stay in and help.

I am terrified at this point, embarrassed beyond belief, and all I want to do is go home. I run to the Tucci’s restaurant where they open the front gates and let us in. The waiters have already called the cops and are checking to see if we are ok. I borrowed their phone and called my roommate Melissa to come get me. After I get off the phone I finally burst into uncontrollable tears. The cops AND the ambulance and 2 fire trucks come. The cops talk to me while I was waiting for Melissa to come. The sight of her little green car pulling up was one of the best feelings ever. By the time I got home I had finally composed myself enough to call my poor dad who was fast asleep. The second I heard his voice the snot and tears started again as I tried to recount my story to him. That was not nice of me, my mom told me later that he never did go back to sleep that night because he was so upset.

And that is the short version of my worst blind date ever.

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7 thoughts on “Worst Blind Date Ever

  1. I SO loved reliving that memory with you! I had forgotten about that slimy red-headed Ron. We ALL tried to tell Tiffany he was no good.

  2. I have been so entertained for the last 30 minutes reading your blog. I can’t believe this date story really happened, that is bizarre! Thanks for the entertaining story

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