Life has been a little hectic to say the least as of late. Starting a new business, working full-time, being a mom, having a church calling (just got released by the way) never seeing my husband who is frantically trying to finish his last projects and papers before graduation, planning the graduation party, turning 30 in a week…..the list can go on and on. I have been really trying to get a grasp on it all, trying to find my footing when life seems so up in the air. It has been a struggle at times, I feel completely overwhelmed and swamped. I feel lost in the seemingly never-ending sea of “to do” lists that I make for myself on sticky notes, scraps of paper, or one of many little notebooks I have with me at any given time. I then promptly lose my lists in that war zone I call a purse, and have to start from scratch and make me a new list. I have lists for my lists. Madness I tell you, my life is madness.
To cope I have been trying to really pray and study my scriptures and various talks to try to make sense of this all. To others my life might not seem chaotic, but to me it is wildly out of control. And I am tired of it. Tired of living for the “when’s” and not living for the “right nows”. Calm down and breathe I told myself today. I need to enjoy this journey before it is too late and it is over. Before I have wished and dreamed my life away on things that are in the future, always wanting something more than what I have.
I need to take control of my own journey, and really make it my own and make it one that I can be proud of. One that I will look back on with fond memories. But even more importantly than that, one that my son will look back on with good memories because this is his childhood and I refuse to rob him of that due to my own neurosis.
I had a GREAT childhood, and an amazing upbringing, it was charmed in every way. I had a mom who was a stay at home mom, I had a dad who worked hard to provide for us. I spent long summers days that never seemed to end running like a wild woman through our canyon, hiking, making huts, wading in the creek that ran past my house as the sun warmed my hair and shoulders as I played. I had a sister just 15 months younger than I and we were best friends. We did everything together and it was a blast. I miss those carefree days of childhood.
I have made a conscience decision to dwell on only my good memories and to forgive my parents for any shortcomings they may have had, and I hope one day my sweet darling boy will show me the same grace. I understand that parents are not perfect, but that they do try hard. My parents tried hard to be amazing parents, and I will do the same. But in order for that to happen I have to choose to put aside my own stress, heartache and fear and plan my life for him. He doesn’t yet understand those things, those terrible adult things, and the longer that I can keep those thing from him, and shelter him from those, the better. I am choosing to start fresh and take advantage of this amazing gift I have been given of being a parent and getting to relive my life through my childs eyes. By watching him learn and finding joy in each simple little thing.
So today I am changing, today I am finding joy in each phase of my life. I am going to take a step back, I am going to relax, I am going to breathe before it is too late. Before I have wished my whole life away, and my son’s childhood, on things that might have been, or things I wish would be.
Our journey starts today, April 28th, 2010.